I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
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