like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
