Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
