I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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