I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
