My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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