the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
