Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
