I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize