sarcasm needs its own font
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
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