he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
