tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
