as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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