dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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