The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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