The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
