Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
