oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
