So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
