Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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