he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
