if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
tell me about the eggs
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
