I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
