she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
