it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
