my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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