So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
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