so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
