Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
