i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
