I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
