Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
