But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
