this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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