im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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