Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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