upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
That accounts for only three of the penises
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
