My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Randomize
