I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
