Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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