We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize