she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Someone shattered a urinal.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
