Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
