just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
