I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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