I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
