this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You pole danced in your parka.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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