My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
