i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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