your room smells of hookers.
And success
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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