I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
