I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
