oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
