yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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