Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize