So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
